C4

Paul Kearley

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Speak Up

No one would talk much in society, if he knew how often he misunderstands others.

--Johan Wolfgang von Goethe

"Okay, here is what I want you to do," I said. "Just take these pop cans and dump them in the coolers along the golf course, and then come back because we have a lot of things to do to get ready for the tournament. Any questions?"

"Nope", he replied.

I helped him load the cartons onto the tractor, and then watched him disappear over the hazard on the first hole, like a ship vanishing over the horizon.

I turned to my other tasks at hand and soon forgot about the refreshments item that was about fifth on the endless list of "to-do's" that had to be done before the participants showed up.

An hour or so later, I wondered just where this guy had gone.

Maybe he had tractor problems, or just maybe he was a little slower carrying out this job than I had thought he would be. I found him out behind the pro shop, unloading empty cans from the tractor.

"Oh, there you are" he said, "What do you want me to do with the empty cans?"

"Empty cans? What empty cans," I queried.

"The cans from the pop that you asked me to empty into the coolers."

I knew then I was on my way to an almost frothing frenzy.

"You emptied all of the cans of pop into the coolers?," I said, each word becoming increasingly higher pitched than the last.

By now, he was getting an idea that he had messed up because he was backing away from me and had that deer in the headlights look.

"Well, you told me to empty the cans in the coolers!" he blurted out.

"I told you to empty the cans in the coolers, not EMPTY the cans in the coolers," I exploded.

I couldn't believe what was happening. How could anyone be so stupid? Surely he didn't use any common sense.

Have you ever asked someone to do something, and they did what you said but it wasn't what you meant?

It's not the fact that they don't do as asked; I usually get frustrated with the fact I wasn't understood in the first place.

It's like we are both in the same conversation, but hearing different things. I suppose that it's true that two monologues do not make a dialogue.

For understanding to take place, there has to be a connection of our minds, ears and eyes. If we don't understand the truth of what the other person wants, then we make assumptions. It is, of course, the assumptions that cause the problems in communications because we make them from our knowledge or lack of it about the subject at hand, by the way in which it (the message) was communicated, our prejudices (likes and dislikes) on the topic and our attitudes toward the person communicating as well as the job itself.

It's not that we don't listen to the outside conversation, it is just there are two conversations going on simultaneously and we hear the one we relate to the loudest. So, even if it was said as clearly as possible, if the other person has doubts, there will undoubtedly be complications in understanding.

So, how do we become better listeners then?

The short answer is practice. The difficult answer is by building accountability into every conversation. In other words, taking action on what we hear.

The first step to building accountability is to review the conversation with the other person to ensure that we have listened clearly and accurately.

Here are a few guidelines for developing better listening skills:

1. Begin every conversation with a willingness to listen and to understand.

2. Be in the moment for each conversation that you engage in.

3. Clear all distractions and focus on the other person. Turn off the TV, blank out your computer monitor or turn yourself away from it.

4. Listen "to" the other person instead of "for" something that we can connect with.

5. Take action on what is heard and understood, if action is prescribed.

This week, please don't assume that the other person knows what you are talking about. If, during a conversation, you have doubts about the other person understanding your message, be sure you review it with them. Let's not take chances on being misunderstood. It's the best way to avoid stressful "I didn't say that" situations.

Paul Kearley is a motivational speaker who lives in Sussex.

Make this your best week ever!

Paul